Oh my god, I barely Make it through my mornings When my hands are empty I get restless, scared and bored Oh, I can be delighted Into fits of laughter When I hear the answer To a question that I asked Why, every time I’m thinking That I might go crazy I remind myself that I still Get to work most days I like to waste my time A lot more than my money Once I take my numbers I can make up my own fun It comes so easily to always be So much better, so much more As I’ve always done before My gaze stays mirrored in Behind my eyelids Hands outstretched and grasping forwards, Grasping fowards When I finally made it Out to New York City I was turned much smaller I unlearned a lot of shit I only know with confidence The sound that comes out of my throat Sensations of my Fingers turning cold I had a sense I’d finally comprehend Life in the face of death If someone heard the messages I sent I never had the gumption To believe in heaven But I bet it’d feel a lot like Crawling into bed

I saw those porcelain figures Aligned in the window, those unconcerned angels Your mother, a woman of wisdom She died like a lightbulb, discovered a day having gone Her items, affectionate rubble Dispersed in a pallor, no joy in receiving her Many totebags and sky-colored standmixer Gold-plated earrings you bought her last Christmas We sat inside the car and stared directly at the windshield Asking for time Asking for circumstances Asking for time Asking for wherewithal Asking for time Asking for second chances Asking for time Asking for alcohol, sweet alcohol Those months you quit every habit You stopped smoking cigarettes, you stopped taking showers Long nights in graceful pirouettes Caught in-between paces, my eyes on the ceiling fan You screaming "I want this to matter, I want this to break me, I want to remember her" Our house now swirling in violence The lines in our faces grow deeper in silence You made a list of all the things you need and so you call me You told me in our bed one night You lost your strength, you lost your fight There must be other ways to try To make it to the other side And so I'm

My limbs so stiff Naked and afraid I feel the wind send shivers In our give ant take I overflowed, so lushly green The moment goes and shows the seams I'm halved in size Naked and afraid Spindly pires and boney fingers As the others 'round the glade I overflowed, so lushly green The moment goes and shows the seams So give me time and give me rest The sun returns and I'll be next I can only stand in place And hold what comes my way Whatever cold the season brings I always slowly grow my rings I've watched in wait I've seen the change My friends reshaped and wired The forest floor stripped and paved The kind of pain that comes in years The old world fades and disappears So show me peace and mercy too I've lost dominion over you

I stare at the ripples, the cracks in the ice We talk over the rhythm, all smiles, all nice Your words break and separate under the bluff I imitate poorly, I swore off that stuff I'll come up with something to say and I'll say it Be sorry I failed and not sorry I waited For so long the waves crashed around me And damn nearly drowned me If no man is an island then I am no man All oceans around but I found solid ground where I stand I'm sorry I missed you, I was out in the water With the tide coming in, I'm becoming much smaller Well I can run, oh I can run But I can paddle much faster I can paddle much faster

For weeks will stay the remnants of one day In my pocket, on my windowsill A rubber band, a laundry bill I’ll take that curse, I’ll let myself disperse These reminders of the boy I’ve been At my least representative I hope I won’t realize in time That I’m still trying to be canonized I’ll stay out of my own hair Press my hands in formless folds Change in state through warm and cold Then maybe I won’t feel so scared For weeks I’ll say a summary of my state All the things I’ve done, the shows I’ve seen Narrativized endlessly The twists, the turns, the same short stretch of words Til I’m bored into awakening Make an effort to make a scene I hope I won’t realize in time That I’m still trying to be canonized I’ll stay out of my own hair Press my hands in formless folds Change in state through warm and cold Then maybe I won't feel so scared

Back into Bushwick, back on my bullshit 40 year old awnings, 24 year old self indulgence Moved for the 200% increase in greenery Now I step to sidewalks phosphorescent in obscenity All built like it’s Michelin, the star or the tire Sipping $7 Bud Lights zipped up in bar attire Our democracy’s in crisis and I dollar vote for second chances Vamonos, the oligarch advances Why you sitting through the seance for a ghost in the shell? Why you sifting through your stories for the worst you can tell? Why you pissed at passings littler that you were at birth? Why you twist my words so literal, you missed what I’m worth I’m passing my charisma checks, got cadence in spades All my innards in a pickle jar on flagrant display All the mysteries of change blamed on a range of miscellany I eat cajun fries and ketchup on my rainiest days Planning every purchase til I'm certainly paid I am more than the sum of all my cleverest nicknames And you could build a four-course meal from my naivete Stains of pizza on my face, man the stations, chaos looms in Places like the forums or the folds of my wallet I hollow my goggles, gawk at the honest discrete solids I’m talking to so often, skeleton with a face When the obvious comes calling it’s impossible to replace Periodically compelled into cleaning frenzies Sensing days until my laundry basket comes and upends me I stutter most when I’m afraid of speaking clearly Finding rhymed associations signed in serif insincerely Read the imprint of the newspaper pressed in Silly Putty That’s what happens when you compromise your art for fucking anybody Picking at my beard in passing, nail polish and skinny jeans Wrestling with the traditional perspicuous infinities

Awaken with a start at the moonlight Clamour in the dark cuz my phone died Something in my heart doesn’t sit right Crawl into the garden, gardenias off-white Take a puff, the dirt fills my lungs The Earth is still singing, the city it still hums Fumbling cigarettes I regret that I just bumb I’m mumbling to myself that I better forget something Faces with a neon hue, stepping to the 3 and 2, babe, cue the theme tune I’m useless in my hipster suit Pump up the groove cuz I’m supposed to, uh Subjunctive sentences, subjective sentiments Touch at the tension, shrug, it’s etcetera Brush it off, it’s a blank sensation All invention, all presentation The scratch and the gnaw inside of me Let it out, let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out The scratch and the gnaw inside of me Let it out, let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out Let it out, let it out, let it out I still treat my friends like strangers I still treat my love like currency My impulses so impatient My interests unsure, all pure routine Look up, the stars pierce the dark, It all falls apart, I’m sitting in my apartment Wanna talk honest, lost where to start My causes all fraught with caution, this squalor Never was vacant, this water Never was clear and clean, our lowly Sages all lonely sapiens, only Days are more vespertine I put my time in, say I don’t care Your block’s on fire, this nation’s unfair Wanna let my fist pump and my chest thump But I’m dead drunk in my desk chair, ya Had a couple oxys sitting in my closet From back when I lost my wisdom teeth Took in my apartment, found in half an hour My head felt dizzy, legs were weak Try to find some grounding, climb into the shower, Lie down, next I know I’m Crawling out the dark, my ears ringing racing Heart from some number of moments comatose Well I saw a glimpse of unliving Well I felt the tug to the black I I heard no angels, no singing Only the water splash on my back I never had the right to this moment I never had the right to these years Why do I waste my time with this loathing Why do I waste my time with these fears

I forgot it was the weekend Feeling years pass by like I’m Peter Pan Fill my coffee cup, straighten up my belt buckle Sit and linger, wringing fingers over chapped knuckles Never been so close to forever Thoughts could build bridges but caught acting clever Only notice the weather as light through a pane Thank God, free of apologies, free of envy and shame A private cacophony cuts through the quiet Mutiny anxiety, hear the song of a siren Violence in my typing, laying waste my senses Barely making a dent in searching for my ascendance Now I’ve never had less to prove Baking bread til I’m dead or I’m destitute Press executive function to execute Picking up Roberta’s in a pressure suit We keep clean for full screen convenings We’re phone-holders, doom-scroll through evenings Remote chances float over all At home I’ve grown small Alone on phone calls Surprised I haven’t cried yet Heavyweight prizefighter, height of my prime, bet My income set, meals are square, Few more weeks left til I need to cut my hair All semblance of momentum stuttered I run past the dark glass and endless shutters Circumvent pedestrians, hug the gutters And cut back to compacted snacks and clutter I just hope we get summer, maybe a month With some greater scope than smoking out front Stuck on repeat imagine relief In subway cards, clubs and bars, booths and seats Then back to these walls, back to shelved books Back to canned groceries, back to Tom Nook Back to the plans all laid best for me I’ve got a Zoom meeting with destiny

Are you studious in December, do you keep your soup frozen Do you close your mind in cycles so your heart can stay open Are you upset when your roster doesn’t fit on your shoulders, do you notice Sunsets over mountains can look just like the ocean I stopped counting after sixty, I ain’t seen you in a minute, I got Caught up in my own shit, we know it’s fine sometimes to just Mind our own business, Now you need a new neighborhood, you knew I Only trade in macrame and paper goods, Since you Got your last new number I’ve been fading through the frequencies, Blistering in the channels, getting desperate to speak with ease, it’s a New season of something, I’m behind on the plot, let’s Reupholster the boards that have decided to rot I’m always cautious and honest but I’m at odds with my head You’re always conscious of options that you could possibly lose If I would talk with your confidence when I’m solemn instead If you would stop at all the crossroads you could probably choose So run your money through that new leaf blower And never stop looking for four leaf clovers And what you know is not enough to save your soul But trade it for a sponge shaped like a dinosaur so that's something, I guess Be mindful of the diet required for satiation Survive on a pre-decided stipend of validation Find the malice that defines your more phallic nature Don't profess your love with a thong or a hokey locket And don't express yourself with a song on a jokey topic You’re in a safe space, so always aim for obnoxious You better watch your Aquafina budget, don’t throw old rockers modern ruckus And don’t get hung up on your cousin, you’ve got options I’m hoping if you like who you are, then that’s enough You can’t fuck it up, don’t waste your angel wings I know someone will call your bluff, so never let them get you tired And don't forget to cancel Tidal once your free trial expires

Got a view of the city from the rooftop Holding up the bluetooth like a boombox Lotta humans in a truth uncertain when they’re Feeling like they work a couple steps above a sweatshop You wanna hit this? You wanna breakthrough? You wanna take time while you watch the clock move? Got a shot glass and a short term memory Bottle rocket blast off, crash in the cemetery Yuh, that's already where I was heading Waking up all morning, surrendering to the bedding Staying so corporeal but trying to melt Couple hours in the shower might be good for my health Keep a flower on my windowsill ensuring the sun shines A war against the climate and we’re forced to the front lines Bumping every shoulder, just provoke it if you wanna fight Couldn’t find one, move into the next night I’m huddled under covers And still so cold Each day another coming So quiet and slow Don’t wanna be somebody if somebody I’m not Don’t wanna seem excited if I’m quiet in thought Don’t wanna talk around it with the chance to confide Don’t wanna walk through the valley but with death at my side Got pompous as the prep for a shattering Got popular when it stopped mattering Still choking on the cold this season Still smoking but for good reasons I sat in the front of classes and passed along all the notes My fascinations were callous, my passions an anecdote My fallacies all emphatic, tautologically me I never believed in magic, only what I could see Getting tired only trying all the time My irises burn violet, the silence a shrill whine Just quiet. The darkest is hours before the light, Always stumblin’ over something as we move into the next night