1. |
Mornings
03:52
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Oh my god, I barely
Make it through my mornings
When my hands are empty
I get restless, scared and bored
Oh, I can be delighted
Into fits of laughter
When I hear the answer
To a question that I asked
Why, every time I’m thinking
That I might go crazy
I remind myself that I still
Get to work most days
I like to waste my time
A lot more than my money
Once I take my numbers
I can make up my own fun
It comes so easily to always be
So much better, so much more
As I’ve always done before
My gaze stays mirrored in
Behind my eyelids
Hands outstretched and grasping forwards,
Grasping fowards
When I finally made it
Out to New York City
I was turned much smaller
I unlearned a lot of shit
I only know with confidence
The sound that comes out of my throat
Sensations of my
Fingers turning cold
I had a sense
I’d finally comprehend
Life in the face of death
If someone heard the messages I sent
I never had the gumption
To believe in heaven
But I bet it’d feel a lot like
Crawling into bed
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2. |
Sweet Alcohol
04:15
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I saw those porcelain figures
Aligned in the window, those unconcerned angels
Your mother, a woman of wisdom
She died like a lightbulb, discovered a day having gone
Her items, affectionate rubble
Dispersed in a pallor, no joy in receiving her
Many totebags and sky-colored standmixer
Gold-plated earrings you bought her last Christmas
We sat inside the car and stared directly at the windshield
Asking for time
Asking for circumstances
Asking for time
Asking for wherewithal
Asking for time
Asking for second chances
Asking for time
Asking for alcohol, sweet alcohol
Those months you quit every habit
You stopped smoking cigarettes, you stopped taking showers
Long nights in graceful pirouettes
Caught in-between paces, my eyes on the ceiling fan
You screaming "I want this to matter,
I want this to break me, I want to remember her"
Our house now swirling in violence
The lines in our faces grow deeper in silence
You made a list of all the things you need and so you call me
You told me in our bed one night
You lost your strength, you lost your fight
There must be other ways to try
To make it to the other side
And so I'm
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3. |
Rings
04:38
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My limbs so stiff
Naked and afraid
I feel the wind send shivers
In our give ant take
I overflowed, so lushly green
The moment goes and shows the seams
I'm halved in size
Naked and afraid
Spindly pires and boney fingers
As the others 'round the glade
I overflowed, so lushly green
The moment goes and shows the seams
So give me time and give me rest
The sun returns and I'll be next
I can only stand in place
And hold what comes my way
Whatever cold the season brings
I always slowly grow my rings
I've watched in wait
I've seen the change
My friends reshaped and wired
The forest floor stripped and paved
The kind of pain that comes in years
The old world fades and disappears
So show me peace and mercy too
I've lost dominion over you
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4. |
Paddle Much Faster
04:30
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I stare at the ripples, the cracks in the ice
We talk over the rhythm, all smiles, all nice
Your words break and separate under the bluff
I imitate poorly, I swore off that stuff
I'll come up with something to say and I'll say it
Be sorry I failed and not sorry I waited
For so long the waves crashed around me
And damn nearly drowned me
If no man is an island then I am no man
All oceans around but I found solid ground where I stand
I'm sorry I missed you, I was out in the water
With the tide coming in, I'm becoming much smaller
Well I can run, oh I can run
But I can paddle much faster
I can paddle much faster
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5. |
Canonized
04:14
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For weeks will stay the remnants of one day
In my pocket, on my windowsill
A rubber band, a laundry bill
I’ll take that curse, I’ll let myself disperse
These reminders of the boy I’ve been
At my least representative
I hope I won’t realize in time
That I’m still trying to be canonized
I’ll stay out of my own hair
Press my hands in formless folds
Change in state through warm and cold
Then maybe I won’t feel so scared
For weeks I’ll say a summary of my state
All the things I’ve done, the shows I’ve seen
Narrativized endlessly
The twists, the turns, the same short stretch of words
Til I’m bored into awakening
Make an effort to make a scene
I hope I won’t realize in time
That I’m still trying to be canonized
I’ll stay out of my own hair
Press my hands in formless folds
Change in state through warm and cold
Then maybe I won't feel so scared
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6. |
(sunset interlude)
02:01
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7. |
Bushwick
02:20
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Back into Bushwick, back on my bullshit
40 year old awnings, 24 year old self indulgence
Moved for the 200% increase in greenery
Now I step to sidewalks phosphorescent in obscenity
All built like it’s Michelin, the star or the tire
Sipping $7 Bud Lights zipped up in bar attire
Our democracy’s in crisis and I dollar vote for second chances
Vamonos, the oligarch advances
Why you sitting through the seance for a ghost in the shell?
Why you sifting through your stories for the worst you can tell?
Why you pissed at passings littler that you were at birth?
Why you twist my words so literal, you missed what I’m worth
I’m passing my charisma checks, got cadence in spades
All my innards in a pickle jar on flagrant display
All the mysteries of change blamed on a range of miscellany
I eat cajun fries and ketchup on my rainiest days
Planning every purchase til I'm certainly paid
I am more than the sum of all my cleverest nicknames
And you could build a four-course meal from my naivete
Stains of pizza on my face, man the stations, chaos looms in
Places like the forums or the folds of my wallet
I hollow my goggles, gawk at the honest discrete solids
I’m talking to so often, skeleton with a face
When the obvious comes calling it’s impossible to replace
Periodically compelled into cleaning frenzies
Sensing days until my laundry basket comes and upends me
I stutter most when I’m afraid of speaking clearly
Finding rhymed associations signed in serif insincerely
Read the imprint of the newspaper pressed in Silly Putty
That’s what happens when you compromise your art for fucking anybody
Picking at my beard in passing, nail polish and skinny jeans
Wrestling with the traditional perspicuous infinities
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8. |
The Scratch and the Gnaw
03:35
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Awaken with a start at the moonlight
Clamour in the dark cuz my phone died
Something in my heart doesn’t sit right
Crawl into the garden, gardenias off-white
Take a puff, the dirt fills my lungs
The Earth is still singing, the city it still hums
Fumbling cigarettes I regret that I just bumb
I’m mumbling to myself that I better forget something
Faces with a neon hue, stepping to the
3 and 2, babe, cue the theme tune
I’m useless in my hipster suit
Pump up the groove cuz I’m supposed to, uh
Subjunctive sentences, subjective sentiments
Touch at the tension, shrug, it’s etcetera
Brush it off, it’s a blank sensation
All invention, all presentation
The scratch and the gnaw inside of me
Let it out, let it out, let it out
Let it out, let it out, let it out
Let it out, let it out, let it out
The scratch and the gnaw inside of me
Let it out, let it out, let it out
Let it out, let it out, let it out
Let it out, let it out, let it out
I still treat my friends like strangers
I still treat my love like currency
My impulses so impatient
My interests unsure, all pure routine
Look up, the stars pierce the dark,
It all falls apart, I’m sitting in my apartment
Wanna talk honest, lost where to start
My causes all fraught with caution, this squalor
Never was vacant, this water
Never was clear and clean, our lowly
Sages all lonely sapiens, only
Days are more vespertine
I put my time in, say I don’t care
Your block’s on fire, this nation’s unfair
Wanna let my fist pump and my chest thump
But I’m dead drunk in my desk chair, ya
Had a couple oxys sitting in my closet
From back when I lost my wisdom teeth
Took in my apartment, found in half an hour
My head felt dizzy, legs were weak
Try to find some grounding, climb into the shower,
Lie down, next I know I’m
Crawling out the dark, my ears ringing racing
Heart from some number of moments comatose
Well I saw a glimpse of unliving
Well I felt the tug to the black
I I heard no angels, no singing
Only the water splash on my back
I never had the right to this moment
I never had the right to these years
Why do I waste my time with this loathing
Why do I waste my time with these fears
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9. |
Phone Calls
03:35
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I forgot it was the weekend
Feeling years pass by like I’m Peter Pan
Fill my coffee cup, straighten up my belt buckle
Sit and linger, wringing fingers over chapped knuckles
Never been so close to forever
Thoughts could build bridges but caught acting clever
Only notice the weather as light through a pane
Thank God, free of apologies, free of envy and shame
A private cacophony cuts through the quiet
Mutiny anxiety, hear the song of a siren
Violence in my typing, laying waste my senses
Barely making a dent in searching for my ascendance
Now I’ve never had less to prove
Baking bread til I’m dead or I’m destitute
Press executive function to execute
Picking up Roberta’s in a pressure suit
We keep clean for full screen convenings
We’re phone-holders, doom-scroll through evenings
Remote chances float over all
At home I’ve grown small
Alone on phone calls
Surprised I haven’t cried yet
Heavyweight prizefighter, height of my prime, bet
My income set, meals are square,
Few more weeks left til I need to cut my hair
All semblance of momentum stuttered
I run past the dark glass and endless shutters
Circumvent pedestrians, hug the gutters
And cut back to compacted snacks and clutter
I just hope we get summer, maybe a month
With some greater scope than smoking out front
Stuck on repeat imagine relief
In subway cards, clubs and bars, booths and seats
Then back to these walls, back to shelved books
Back to canned groceries, back to Tom Nook
Back to the plans all laid best for me
I’ve got a Zoom meeting with destiny
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10. |
Studious in December
01:55
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Are you studious in December, do you keep your soup frozen
Do you close your mind in cycles so your heart can stay open
Are you upset when your roster doesn’t fit on your shoulders, do you notice
Sunsets over mountains can look just like the ocean
I stopped counting after sixty, I ain’t seen you in a minute, I got
Caught up in my own shit, we know it’s fine sometimes to just
Mind our own business, Now you need a new neighborhood, you knew I
Only trade in macrame and paper goods, Since you
Got your last new number I’ve been fading through the frequencies,
Blistering in the channels, getting desperate to speak with ease, it’s a
New season of something, I’m behind on the plot, let’s
Reupholster the boards that have decided to rot
I’m always cautious and honest but I’m at odds with my head
You’re always conscious of options that you could possibly lose
If I would talk with your confidence when I’m solemn instead
If you would stop at all the crossroads you could probably choose
So run your money through that new leaf blower
And never stop looking for four leaf clovers
And what you know is not enough to save your soul
But trade it for a sponge shaped like a dinosaur so that's something, I guess
Be mindful of the diet required for satiation
Survive on a pre-decided stipend of validation
Find the malice that defines your more phallic nature
Don't profess your love with a thong or a hokey locket
And don't express yourself with a song on a jokey topic
You’re in a safe space, so always aim for obnoxious
You better watch your Aquafina budget, don’t throw old rockers modern ruckus
And don’t get hung up on your cousin, you’ve got options
I’m hoping if you like who you are, then that’s enough
You can’t fuck it up, don’t waste your angel wings
I know someone will call your bluff, so never let them get you tired
And don't forget to cancel Tidal once your free trial expires
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11. |
Nights
03:35
|
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Got a view of the city from the rooftop
Holding up the bluetooth like a boombox
Lotta humans in a truth uncertain when they’re
Feeling like they work a couple steps above a sweatshop
You wanna hit this? You wanna breakthrough?
You wanna take time while you watch the clock move?
Got a shot glass and a short term memory
Bottle rocket blast off, crash in the cemetery
Yuh, that's already where I was heading
Waking up all morning, surrendering to the bedding
Staying so corporeal but trying to melt
Couple hours in the shower might be good for my health
Keep a flower on my windowsill ensuring the sun shines
A war against the climate and we’re forced to the front lines
Bumping every shoulder, just provoke it if you wanna fight
Couldn’t find one, move into the next night
I’m huddled under covers
And still so cold
Each day another coming
So quiet and slow
Don’t wanna be somebody if somebody I’m not
Don’t wanna seem excited if I’m quiet in thought
Don’t wanna talk around it with the chance to confide
Don’t wanna walk through the valley but with death at my side
Got pompous as the prep for a shattering
Got popular when it stopped mattering
Still choking on the cold this season
Still smoking but for good reasons
I sat in the front of classes and passed along all the notes
My fascinations were callous, my passions an anecdote
My fallacies all emphatic, tautologically me
I never believed in magic, only what I could see
Getting tired only trying all the time
My irises burn violet, the silence a shrill whine
Just quiet. The darkest is hours before the light,
Always stumblin’ over something as we move into the next night
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